I’m in the middle of a big spring storm in north Texas and it’s raining cats and dogs. I just stepped in a poodle.

I may not know the formula for success, but the formula for failure is trying to please everyone.

The trouble with retirement is you never get a day off.

People who confuse BURRO with BURROW don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Loaned to the Petersen Museum in LA for 12 years, "GREAT ESCAPE" is now back home in our Texas garage and we're consider selling it. Open the book "McQueen's Machines" to page 63... (or Google it.) It runs like new with 67k miles, 283 V8 Fuel Injected, original automatic trans.

I dreamed disco was making a huge comeback. At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

Here’s my ranch truck. Butch enough for ya?

I hope all our British friends had a Happy Thursday!

What ridiculous fool is still using fireworks on July 8th? Some nut almost set fire to my Christmas decorations.

Richard Simmons sent a birthday card and 4-dozen beautiful roses a full 3 weeks before my birthday. He died one day before he would’ve received his “thank you” note. Rest in peace, dear friend.

Seven decades of success as a comedian and not one disrespectful, vulgar or offensive joke. Comedy had a “greatest generation”, too; that classy era was led by the likes of Bob Newhart. My dear friend, rest in peace. See you down the road. XOXO Ruthie

Feelin’ great at eighty-eight! Thank you for being my friend! XOXO Ruthie

My iPhone’s been selling all my search history, purchases, contact information… and now I just realized my vacuum cleaner’s been gathering up dirt on me.

I called my Stock Broker for advise on what to buy. He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

I just saw a casket for sale on Facebook marketplace and thought to myself that’s the last thing I’ll ever need.

My face in the mirror’s not wrinkled or drawn. My house isn’t dirty; the cobwebs are gone! My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put glasses back on.