Well, was what came before it a little gay?

u ever tar and feather a guy and realize ur out of feathers so u just give it to him straight and say listen buddy. gonna be mostly tar today

My brain is broken it’s fine

me waiting for the list of production companies to stop before late night with the devil

Look at your keyboard. Now multiply it by 2. Subtract the original keyboard.
Think of a country that starts with keyboard. Now an animal. And a color. Is your answer keyboard? Thought so 😏

This is how you thrive in a corporate environment

KATE!!! I got to watch her work this out in Vermont and it’s stellar 🥳

Not a huge fan of the mean streak that seems to be running through a lot of standup comedy right now. Like no, you’re not too edgy for the room…you’re unlikeable and off putting. Oh shit, was this mean?

I hate when you’re going through the drive-thru and they split it up into two lanes. There’s enough division in this country as it is.

Regardless of your feelings on Taylor Swift, I think we can all agree that any other artist dropping new music today is essentially choosing for their birthday to be on Christmas.

Comedy in 2014: you don’t want to get seen too early!

Comedy in 2024: aw man I should’ve started posting TikToks when I was 7

ADHD swifties trying to fully process and form opinions on a two hour album the day it comes out

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I have been blessed by the instagram algorithm by consistently posting nonsense and am rapidly approaching 10k followers. If you don’t follow me there yet, get in on the ground floor while you still can:

instagram.com/samlymatters?i…

Never understood why there weren’t more goths at my Catholic school. Dramatic organ music, low energy chanting, tales of suffering and the undead…the conditions were perfect.

As I get into my 30s, something I’ve realized is that I just don’t enjoy interacting with magicians in a social setting. If that’s your hobby, fine, but don’t shove it in my face. I like model trains, but I don’t walk up to groups at parties like “choo choo it’s model train time”

I can’t watch game shows when the economy is bad. It’s way less fun when the contestants really need the money.

Taylor Swift should keep re-releasing All Too Well but make it a little bit longer every time. I want 3 hour All Too Well by 2030. I want to attend the All All Too Well tour.

I have never identified with cowboys or western aesthetic. I am very solidly from the northeast. I was not meant to seek the golden west. I was meant to have all my uncles live in the same town and ride little trains underneath crumbling buildings from the 1800s.

In 2017 I looked at the eclipse and so did Donald Trump. My friends were all nyc comedians, so over the next week every person I know had posted something to the effect of “what kind of moron would look at the eclipse?” and it hurt my feelings so much when I could read again.