It’s not till you work a retail job that you realize 85% of people are dumb as rocks.

Biting your tongue while eating is a perfect example of how you can still screw up, even with decades of experience.

Someone’s mom has probably used you as a bad example to their kid.

People laugh about how cats love boxes, but if there was suddenly a box bigger than you in your living room, you’d probably go in it too.

Being alone and feeling alone are two different things. right?

b, p, d, and q are the same f**king letter and no one talks about it

We use our cell phones every single day but they never appear in our dreams.

Being new at a job feels like you're a new character on season 5 of a show.

Let this sink in

Painkillers are the 'Mute Notifications' option for the body.

🤨

Somewhere in the world, there is a tree that sprouted the same day you were born and has been growing along with you. 💭

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

I want whatever the people running at 6am have...

People get mad at you for forgetting, but it’s impossible to forget on purpose.

Life is confusing as a child because you don’t know what is going on. Life is confusing as an adult because you do know what’s going on.

Humans with siblings have better survival skills because they've had experience in physical combat, psychological warfare, and sensing suspicious activity via interactions with the other spawns of their parents.

Raise your hand if you agree 🙋‍♂️

Animals don’t understand the concept of an accident. Your dog thinks you got out of bed in the middle of the night just to kick him in the head.