My favourite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

Please help our friend Sarah if you can. She and her dog are recovering from a terrible car accident. Thank you!

Just as we must honor the humanity of hostages, so too must we center the humanity of the 40,000 Palestinians killed under Israeli bombardment. To deny that story is to participate in the dehumanization of Palestinians. The Democratic Party must change course and affirm our shared humanity.

Pisces: Start a new chapter in your life, but pick a less boring central character.

Aquarius: What’s your fucking problem?

Capricorn: That mysterious dry cleaning van parked outside your house really is a dry cleaning van. You’re not that interesting.

Sagittarius: Your home will be filled with the sound of laughter. Maniacal, unceasing laughter.

Scorpio: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Libra: There isn’t one good reason why you can’t achieve your dreams. There are two: limited skills & an unpleasant personality.

Virgo: Things are looking up. You stop. Things fix their eyes on you. Things begin climbing steadily toward your position.

Leo: The ghosts of your past will continue to haunt you this week as you struggle to get the spaghetti sauce stains out of your favorite Tupperware.

Cancer: Things are going according to your plan. A terrible, awful plan that everyone hated. Thanks a lot.

Gemini: If you had a chance to do it all over again, you’d make the same fucked up choices.

Taurus: In an infinite universe, there are an infinite number of yous out there- and all of them are infinitely disappointing.

Aries: Is this the best you can do? Really?

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Things are terrible

UPDATE: Things are still terrible