sometimes I think I know about cars but sometimes I’ll see a Ford F-150 and be like “what is that, a Ford Fiso?”

I like drinking non-alcoholic beer because it’s still the same great taste while making the same poor life choices I don’t need a 7% IPA to late-night dial a guy who repeatedly said he does not like me, I stayed up past 8p watching Inside Out 2 with an Athletic Athletic Brewing

for whatever I always associate Thursdays with being the 4th and when you're in a "work environment" and scheduling "meetings" that is a "problem"

I'm not saying this is a good thing but there was just a car crash on my street and the driver fled and everyone came out of their apartments and we're all talking to each other and it's just nice to see your neighbors, a real sense of camaraderie

Topo Chico is like, what if we made pop rocks into sparkling water

I was watching Dark Knight Rises and caught myself checking to see if Bane was wearing a wedding ring. we have villain origin stories, now we need more villain relationship stories

You always know your birthday is getting closer bc your horoscope section moves up at the back of magazines

a good idea is to ask a couple when they fell in love, because sometimes the husband will say, well I was actually still dating someone and the wife will be like, WHAT and he'll be like, oh I thought you knew that, and now people at this party will stop asking you for icebreakers

you spend months convincing your gen z company you're one of them, and then one day you describe taking an outfit from day to night as "like when you're going from birdwatching class to a speed dating event" and now they end emails "best" instead of "another day, another slay"

Draper throwing up 10 feet away from the "world's healthiest sport" slogan is like when I got in trouble for being too 'detached' at work after I wrote "thrives in a team-oriented environment" on my resume

I just had to go back to McDonald’s because I left my credit card there the night before ten years ago I was going back to a bar because I left my entire purse there the night before both of these involved diet cokes, one had slightly more whiskey than the other

the iPhone 16 has just been introduced. meanwhile my phone still calls me “Rock God” from those apple commercials about 12 iPhones ago

just used nose grease to easily dissolve this beer foam if you're wondering what I learned at a Big 10 state school

have mastered seamlessly transitioning my bad attitude from day to night

technically I'm retired, I'm just working for fun and for money

I'm not procrastinating I just think now would be a good time to think about if I would make my team all wear the same color on Family Feud

moms will be putting their babies to bed and guys will think they’re being supportive by drinking a beer loudly shouting “you’re the real MVP! You’re the real MVP!”

my friends asked what my opening line was on the apps and it's "I feel like we've matched before" but it's not a smooth line as much as it's just generally a fact

If Netflix did a perfume collaboration for its subgenres, my scent would be "amber, lavender, and suburban dysfunction"

when my friend asks me to heat up a baby bottle I like to act as if we're in a Chili's airport bar and I say "6 or 9 ounce pour?"