Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing bit.ly/3MxD9cJ

Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast bit.ly/3Mv4jkH

Support a small, local business by buying an Onion-branded piece of clothing that you can wear when shopping at small, local businesses. bit.ly/47gi401

Singing Birds Dressing Princess All Struggling With Bra Clasp bit.ly/3ARhB8w

New Proposed Wealth Tax Would Target Americans With Circular Driveways bit.ly/3B1QNCn

Mrs. Fields CEO Under Fire For Laying Off 1,000 Employees Via Cookie Cake bit.ly/3XvBvPe

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens bit.ly/3XurUIl

Study Finds Most U.S. Students Can’t Name All 50 Numbers bit.ly/3zab7RB

Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat bit.ly/47dBOkU

Investigators Identify Infamous ‘Ted Bundy’ Serial Killer bit.ly/3z3Ssa8

Switchblade-Wielding Subway Rider Locked In Standoff With Penis-Wielding Subway Rider bit.ly/3ASxnA2

What To Know About MDMA Therapy bit.ly/4gdmc52

Joey Chestnut Eats Entire Cast Of ‘Stranger Things’ In Under 10 Minutes bit.ly/47dLdZM

Experts Recommend Raising Minimum Age For Committing Mass Shootings To 21 bit.ly/4gct6ri

Dad Not Leaving This Mini Golf Hole Until Son Shows Him Some Good Form bit.ly/47jZNPp

Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production bit.ly/3MzsBtD

Raygun’s Apology To Breakdancing Community Sparks Outrage From Apology Community bit.ly/3z8JGHS

The Drug Enforcement Administration increased the production limit for Takeda Pharmaceutical’s ADHD drug Vyvanse and its generic versions by about 24% to address the medicine’s ongoing shortage in the United States. #WhatDoYouThink bit.ly/3TeaSfi

Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift bit.ly/3Z8RXWU

Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now bit.ly/3B4BfxG