Ok, but can we go home after we go big?

I should have followed my dreams and become a comic book villain.

None of us have our shit together, don’t worry about it.

i couldn’t be involved in an exorcism bc as soon as the demon starts talking shit and roasting me my feelings will get hurt and i’ll leave.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Eating my body weight in Doritos if you’re looking for a sex symbol

Them: You let your cat sleep in bed with you??? Me: Dude, my cat is my power of attorney

I’m just gonna rest my eyes until 2025.

I hate it when good porn is ruined by cheap underwear.

Locking myself in a room until I can learn how to shuffle a ham sandwich like a deck of cards.

"Good Morning" she threatened

I thought growing old would take longer

I only smile when I see nuns and the elderly fall.

When I was 15 I wanted to be a pizza delivery driver solely on all the porn I had watched.

"your password is too weak" just wait until you see my impulse control

Worst part of being a Virgo is knowing your parents were getting it on around the holidays

I feel so full of life and vodka!

I'm "don't take a shower during a thunderstorm" years old.

Fun fact: a UPS truck is not a good getaway vehicle.

It’s Saturday and I’m exhausted and already anxious for next weekend to get here.