does anyone know what to do about that thing where the more employed you get the less intellectual you get

You don’t dislike summer you’re just fat

seeing my girl lost in a corn maze would give me the ick. my wife would never get befuddled by grain

Being a godparent is not nearly as cool as it sounds

“listen to your body” well my body wants to smoke 5 joints & rot in bed all day

He’s more microplastics than man now..

controversial opinion here but if a song or album meant a lot to you, got you through a rough time, etc. and that band/artist later gets cancelled- you shouldn’t be shamed for listening to it again. its just music. you arent condoning anyones behaviour -

if you stay off your phone, you'll realize it's still 2005 outside

Happy Wednesday folks!

sorry i’m cranky. i haven’t slept well for the last 27 years

Not really worried about death because I know God is keeping me alive as punishment

Why were school shootings far less frequent before the 90’s/early 2000’s?

You don’t have imposter syndrome you’re just self aware

I like to express my disagreement by exploding into a thousand bats.

I’ll spread some Russian disinformation for a lot less than $400K. Putin, hit me up

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Think I’m done smoking for good. Smoking for evil now.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

these are the effects of being born into a universe that likes to talk but won't fully explain itself