I can’t be mad at my kids for bringing home the flu when I’m only two flus away from my goal weight.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Remembering the family road trip when my wife hit us with the best of John Denver CD and I realized that Country Roads kinda slaps

I just saved someone’s pricey beverage from flying off the roof of their car so yeah, I can run like the wind if need be.

Nothing says Memorial Day like leading your dogs in the rabbit chase.

(In mosh pit) YOU GUYS ARE DOING THE CHICKEN DANCE WRONG

What wine pairs best with School is out for the Summer?

I hate when I go out and there are people everywhere.

I’m at most stupid when trying to figure out which AirPod goes into which ear

At this point my husband and I are basically just staying married so we can check each other for ticks.

Ah yes, the sweet sounds of summer - birds chirping, windchimes chiming, and my neighbors cussing out their toddlers.

I used to be rich… and then I bought groceries

Don’t have a kid because you are in love.

Have a kid because you owe one to Rumpelstiltskin.

Im already planning on being a bitch tomorrow, don't say I didn't warn you

It's customer service not customer serve us.

I’ve seen 50 women and 2 men in sundresses today. They all fucking killed it!

Let's destroy each other.

~ a love story

No no babe, it’s go delusional or go home

doing a murder would fix me

One day you're living your best life then the next day a pesky unknown car is parked outside your house again and everything is ruined