I once went into a cake shop and ordered one of every cream cake they had because I was too embarrassed to ask for an elephant's foot.

I am, by and large, a law abiding citizen but for some reason I will absolutely not pay for all my bananas at the self service checkout. If I count 6 I put through 4. I don't know why but it just feels right. Only bananas, nothing else

As a sex worker I have been through some pretty scary situations with clients and parlours, but the thing that will always scare me the most is seeing older clients with pacemakers, making them reach the end almost feels like you are going to kill them

The first time I ever saw a dog poo bag it was fully loaded and discarded in a hedge. I thought it was a bag of cannabis and quickly stuffed it in my pocket and took it home in excited anticipation of my find.

Caught my husband wanking in the shower and I went mad, not over the wanking - over the fact he was using the sponge the kids use to clean up. He now has a dedicated wank sponge

Woken up in the middle of the night by what I thought were screams and moans coming from outside, panicked in the moment Turns out it was the wheezing from my chest. Must stop smoking.

Walking home from the pub one night I thought I saw some duckings stuck in a drain. I called the police who called the fire brigade, who lifted the drain cover to find six clumps of partially burned insulation wool.

Bought a total wreck of a car for £300. Spent about £8000 and four years restoring it. Sold it at auction recently for £6000. I thoroughly enjoyed those four years, and think that £500 a year for a hobby is not a bad deal. My partner won't agree, so they will never know.

I frequently cheat while playing solitaire. Who's going to know, the other players?

I'm 40 years old and my piss has started to smell like old mans piss. This has been the main contributing factor in realising my own mortality.

I pasted a small piece of Black tape under an annoying coworker's optical mouse. It took him three hours of restarting his PC, reconnecting his mouse and finally getting an IT person to his desk.

Wife was once given a homemade pie by a colleague. Found it in the fridge, was hungry so I cooked it. Made some gravy and poured it all over. Turns out it was apple pie. Still ate it though

I buy my girlfriend flowers a lot. Mainly to make her happy and get laid. However, I also see a lot of women look at me longingly wishing their boyfriend/husbands did this which may cause some kind of argument later for them. A bonus reason

When we go food shopping, I imitate the beep sound on the scan and go device and cover barcode with thumb, cats been eating for free for years, I'm not proud of myself but feel obliged to.

Through a lot of trial and error, I've discovered that Sainsbury's plastic bags are the best for having a spew in without any leakage if you can't make the loo in time. You're welcome.

I go to the gym 4 or 5 times per week, I'm stronger than most people who go in there, but ultimately nobody cares. They only care about 6 packs, which is all about what you eat and I have no intention of giving up tasty food.

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Got my first job aged 17 at Argos. Refunded a customer for a faulty satnav but couldn't be arsed to check inside the box. End of the day, deputy manager was going through the returns, opened the satnav box, and found a tin of baked beans inside.

Didn't make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.