*18th century* Passenger: 3 days. A pity there is no music to make the journey more pleasant. Carriage driver: Ah! *pointing to string quartet in back* Not to worry, I just installed Stradivarius XM.

Bought a new blanket that says hang outside to dry, ok calm down there Little House on the Prairie

Has anyone figured out how to leave home without spending $40?

the er waiting room should have a corner with some tools where you can take a stab at it first

God: [doing a lightning strike] that’s for inventing the word “totes!” [doing another lightning strike] and THATS for saying “Rom-com!”

9yo: could you tell me what it was like in the 1900s? me: omg I've never felt so old.

Just me rocking up to work on three hours sleep and a caffeine buzz again

If you park in your driveway and block the sidewalk, I’m walking up and around the offending vehicle and through your yard, IDGAF

Choosing to be happy sometimes means telling people to fuck off.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Buying a dictionary. Then buying a second dictionary to check against the first one. Trust, but verify.

Just me doing the mobile order strut in front of the peasants waiting for their in-store food

pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask

Got a warning from the HOA about leaving the garbage can out one extra day, if you’re looking for a bad girl

The only way to make pumpkin spice worse is to put it on pumpkin.

I'd be like "vote for me and i'll remove all the calories from cheese".... *mic drop*

If I ever win the lottery, I’m going to buy 2 burgers from Five Guys.

It’s been 4 months since I had dessert. God help me.

-Loofafah, extra firm -Hair Clipchess -Zippler -Farafs -Lip embalmentation in red When I need some quiet time, I send my husband to the store with a list of made-up words.