need to clock out

Big deal. I do this every time I do InstaCart shopping.

so fucking tired of celebs and streamers and influencers and, especially, the people who follow them

I find the best time to be active on Twitter is evening rush-hour traffic

[quote tweeting a baby] Lol this guy is dumb as hell [remembering I want to go viral] but his outlook is a keen insight into how a toddler’s mind works…

Women,.... (vibrating with rage)

(chortles) i bet women will finally have sex with me now. obligation is the ultimate aphrodisiac

In April 2020 I couldn’t play team sports because of the lockdown so I decided to download Twitter and see what the fuss was about.

CUSS BROTHER Ladies if you’re reading this I’d be happy to complete your order for you :)

Refunding a girl's Instacart requests for ice cream and candy so she won't get fat.

lmao

I'd probably be really good at bestiality. People would be amazed at how many dog dicks I could suck.

I am a training dummy for the Federal Pussy Inspectors. They use the dogs on me too

I am mad at disabled people for using grocery deliver apps

My anus is triangular and my poops are like fabled European chocolate, the 'Toblerone'. And yes I eat them

My family used to bring me to churches to get molested and fucked. One time a black church all took turns on me while singing a gospel song. They didn't miss a beat and I even clapped along. I was 3 years old and that's when my penis stopped growing. We watch the video on Easter.

I love farting into my pisshole and storing up a bunch of farts in my balls and then going to a public bathroom and farting a bunch of piss into the urinal and then slurping up all the fartwater from the urinal which has hopefully not been flushed in quite some time.