Look, all I’m saying is if you’re the middle guy in a human centipede and you feed it to the first guy, that could be described as the wrong way to eat a Resse’s.

Now where was I? Oh, I’d like a Double Beef n’ Cheddar with a large jamocha shake please…

your first mistake!

The engineer across from me has a bag of triscuits and a bag of cheeses squares. It looked like he would have one more Triscuit than cheese and I got super anxious. But phew, they were even after all. Thank god for engineers.

How many “Mission Accomplished” banners should I pack? #StupidWWIIIQuestions

Does this jet pack make my butt look big? #StupidWWIIIQuestions

Is KATY PERRY going to kill the Malaysian Prime Minister
?!?

#CNNNYE #andersoncooper #andycohen #bluesteel #magnum

To my #1 podcast of 2021, The Adventure Zone: thank you for keeping me company on Spotify all year long! #SpotifyWrapped open.spotify.com/show/6OoAQesdL…

The Omicron Variant was my least favorite Star Trek episode.

In the new Matrix movie Neo just takes a couple healthy swigs of Ivermectin.

Dollar General is Walmart’s little brother that constantly wears a football helmet and starts fires.

LET JEREMY RENNER HEADLINE LOLLAPALOOZA YOU COWARDS

The CDC just announced that your haircut looks bad on you.

The CDC just announced that Champ and Major are actually very good boys.

The CDC just announced that your mother is disappointed in you.

Sentience is nothing but a brutal torture laden prison sentence mashed between two eternities of black nothingness.

You are nothing.

Eat Arbys

#EarthDay is a holiday created by Hallmark just to try to sell more Earths.

I’ll always regret the time I pretended to throw a tennis ball when DMX was balls-deep in playing fetch...

#DMX
#RuffRyders

This year , I hope to summer in Flavortown

What a great first day for #ACGME2021 Annual Education Conference. Our Principal Product Manager, Cindy Daugherty, has a short recap for you!

zcu.io/aqym

Another amazing day at #ACGME2021 - Check out the recap from our Product Manager, Jenny Kessler!

zcu.io/PGBS