My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.

this is a dark omen. a dark omen indeed

hotel employee: thank you for staying with us. your total is... huh. negative $127??

me: that’s right

housekeeper: [bursting out of elevator] he left an extra can of soda in the refrigerator!

me: yes

hotel employees: [shrieking and melting] nooo that’s how we get you

“no one out pizzas the hut.” i could. easily, actually

“no one out pizzas the hut.” i could. easily, actually

I am starting a new party trend called Gandalfing. You show up, smoke a pipe, and talk to the shortest people there before disappearing into the night

hotel employee: thank you for staying with us. your total is... huh. negative $127??

me: that’s right

housekeeper: [bursting out of elevator] he left an extra can of soda in the refrigerator!

me: yes

hotel employees: [shrieking and melting] nooo that’s how we get you

sick of the politically correct woke left trying to tell me what isn’t a pipe

lol

sick of the politically correct woke left trying to tell me what isn’t a pipe

I thought you were gonna protect our free speech Elon Musk

[every heist movie]

tech guy: i downloaded the file on windows 95

somebody who literally hired that guy for his knowledge of computers: can we get that in english please you disgusting virgin

Oh no, they have found the lettuce's tweets from 2011.

[every heist movie]

tech guy: i downloaded the file on windows 95

somebody who literally hired that guy for his knowledge of computers: can we get that in english please you disgusting virgin

I can’t escape

It’s pretty awesome how like every other person in America is this lady now

The anxiety of putting on a cool song you heard in a TV show and hoping nobody else in the room watched Grey's Anatomy last night