both of the golf carts at work stopped working so now mfs are just riding around on a bicycle (george costanza voice) nick is gettin angry!

The Tennessee Valley Authority was so goated. Imagine living in like the 1920s version of the Fallout 4 starting town and the government pulling up like “yo nigga we giving you electricity”

sometimes youll be halfway thru a tool song before realizing you were even listening to it. then you check the time and theres still six minutes left

Just saw an ad for the Army featuring a white guy, it’s over bro we are going to war

that doesnt align with my worldview. shut it down

new guy at work is a loathsome beast and i will cut him down with my ancestral blade

.Mark Wahlberg do your thing

youve been hit by youve been struck by a Scoob Criminal

its wendigo wednesday im about to listen to linkin park at work and go crazy

the equalizer noticed some customers being fairly rude to me

seeing a dog walk down the side of the road by itself and muttering 'tf he goin?'

reading back our texts like im 17 at 2:43 am: i love her :)))

waking up at 9am in my 27 year old body: gah damn my back hurt,

placing my hand on the snout of an unruly beast of burden and whispering several slurs in its ear. the creature regains its composure and renews its calm behavior

sitting my young son down and explaining why he should never bet on himself. let a beautiful woman do that for you. just keep your nose on the grindstone boy

if i were a sports gm i would just restructure every players contract. seems pretty simple

Murdering my wife and then taking bereavement leave

cut my nails painfully short and now every time i attempt to open a beer i experience unfathomable agony. Gentlemans Ambition

polygraph examiner: ariel demure

me: nope never heard of her

examiner: daisy taylor

me: huh uh. no

examiner: domino presley

me: no sir

sheriff (through one way glass): that lyin' son of a bitch...

(after events have definitively ended in my opponents favor) we'll see...