The only person I could understand being this afraid of stove and car regulation is Guy Fieri.

Me when Free Willy finally jumped over the thing.

One of the easiest ways to score points as a politician is to simply not admit that you have shot a dog in the head.

If someone I like tweeted “Fuck around and find out? Oh, you mean the scientific method?” it would be fine, but if Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted it, it would be deeply unfunny.

One part of me feels like when we argue about what people we disagree with “actually want” it’s easier for them to dismiss us because we’re likely not accurately describing the way they understand their own beliefs, but another part of me is a pot head who likes Little Caesar’s.

The reason some graduations are being cancelled is bad and dumb, but I would have been very happy to not have heard 600 names read alphabetically before having to take hungover pictures with my mom.

Did an odor write this?

I can’t believe how many assholes would have to suddenly drop dead for us to get back to just normal baseline bad.

People are freaking out about this, but this is actually one of the few practical ways you can shoot a 19 year old student in the head without getting close enough for them to potentially make fun of you.

This would actually be a funny shirt if all the percentages were very low.

Oh my god, is that what he really thinks?

Sean Connery showing off after doing some weight training.

It saddens me to see NBA playoff commercials lean so heavily on “not a thing,” an overused comedy phrase popularized by improvisers who didn’t know what to say.

I like how most NBA mascots are animals and then the Celtics are like “Well ours is an alcoholic who found a stick.”

Remember growing up so poor you had

I’m no longer sorry. This is actually the only good thing I’ve ever made.

Kevin Durant makes it seem so miserable to be Kevin Durant and Anthony Edwards makes it seem so fun to be Anthony Edwards.

(Watching anything on TikTok that reframes any shitty part of myself as being neurodivergent.)

“Totally.”