Welcome to your 40’s: Jerry Seinfeld is 70 years old now. Have a nice day.

An adult is a person who thinks everything was 10 years ago.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: still calling it Twitter.

When your neighbors are grilling.

Hell is just a grocery store full of people you know.

[putting on a hospital gown]

I'm going to dress my age

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Here’s a picture of Robin Williams for no reason.

An adult is a person who has to decide between doing yard work today or being able to stand up straight tomorrow.

Me: I’m gonna read this tweet.

Twitter: lol no you’re not.

The best Sunday plans are no Sunday plans. Everybody knows that.

The fact that Aflac hasn’t put Ben Affleck in a duck suit to sell insurance, troubles me.

Knock Knock

who's there?

nobody, you lonely loser you have no friends

Why would anyone want unfrosted brownies when frosted brownies exist?

1994: I can’t wait to see what the world is like in 30 years.

2024: I miss 1994.

You can put your faith in people. Or you can put your faith in pizza. One will hurt you. The other is freaking delicious. Choose wisely.

They should just combine Reynolds and Gosling into one Ryan.