Miss Chivers didn't take kindly to Little Johnny calling her a fuckwit for having her computer monitor on its side on her desk all this time. He would soon see the business end of her mallet. Girls' Own advice

If you use the left-hand side of your brain, you see a smiley Space Hopper. If you use the right-side, you see a curled up mouse, nose to tail. If you see a vampire bat with a gun, get help. (If it's real, you'll need it. If you're imagining it, you'll need it.) Jamie Littler

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye.

However much it tries to lose -so as not to have to host the bloody thing again- poor Ireland, keeps on winning #Eurovision . They have a record of 7 wins, only equalled by Sweden last year. Hopefully this will scare the judges enough to make them leave them alone! #CrownTheWitch

Philip Ardagh I get it now. Skyd threw me, however, as I thought you were having a pop at Skyr, which I think is sort of expensive yogurt. Tell you what though, let's include that as well.

I was intrigued who Oily Alexander was. He sounds like one of those very fluid escapologists who can make their way down drainpipes!

There is a plus when people argue about whether or not someone should boycott an event in in protest of the killings in Gaza because, even if they choose NOT to boycott the event, attention has been drawn to over 34,500 deaths and rising. #freethehostages #CEASEFIRE_NOW

Hmmm. This Taika Waititi & Rita Ora spot-the-differences is tricky one! #MetGala #MetGala 2024

'Arthur! Don't look at my bottom. I know you're looking at my bottom, Arthur. Stop it, Arthur. Stop looking at my bottom.' Girls' Own advice

Philip Ardagh It's like that old Country and Western song: 'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

In response to a long and ranting tweet by Laurence Fox, the following correction was added. In other words, Fox was, at best, misinformed or, more likely, plain lying. Londoners can only hope, however, that his announcement that he's relocating from London is entirely accurate.