May your life have more moments that feel the way it does when the clock gets closer to 5 on a Friday afternoon.

a lot of people aren’t going to love you, or even like you. this is actually more comforting than it sounds

fall is beginning and we still have no pumpkin spice flavored antacid called autums so i guess companies just hate money.

Put your pants on, babe. We’re going to Chipotle

I need a level of sleep that’s somewhere between full night and coma

Meditation isn’t enough, I need to be launched into space.

Hey girl, are you Leonardo Da Vinci? Cuz you're sketchy AF

Hey boy, are you JavaScript? Cuz you’re so unstable.

Could be it's the amount of love that went into making mix tapes that got us through high school

Friend: I’m poly. Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Are you telling me a cis teen painted this chapel

around 6 pm i sold my soul…no, guts…i mean guts, for some cheese tots, and now as midnight closes in i realize it’s time to pay the debt

My dog's name is Honey and my son told me we should get another dog and name him Mayonnaise like what else would we possibly choose

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don't want one

i just found this in my phone

mario and luigi’s fave band are the red hot chili pipers.

My neighbors are trumpfash so I am crafting a full manifestation of their fears by doing a cat lady voter yard theme for Halloween.

ngl i doubt either of them could fix my computer