I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna make an elf deck

Absolutely no one:
My 11 year old: so…do you and dad have recreational sex regularly?

I bet being in sheep’s clothing feels sooo good for the wolf

I don’t even know if it’s socially acceptable at this point to say, “it’s the freakin’ weekend.”

Winner. Just barely. Bang up fucking last weekend of homework.

EVERYONE KEEP TALKING ABOUT SPORTS IM ALMOST THER- 💦

doctor: what type of birth control are you using

me: the one where men say stupid shit and my vagina stops working

getting this for him and not explaining further

lmao suppressing peaceful assembly is the actual opposite of the police’s job

When he’s super funny, buys me all the snacks, and is obsessed with me.

marketing ducks as organic corkscrews

Blasting rap music in my condo at 4am to see which of my neighbors are racist

if you successfully hookup with girthmaster does that make you the girth master or just the master of his girth