if that onlyfans guy was made of ice cream

“treat culture has gotten out of hand” sounds like someone doesn’t get enough treats

if you’re cold they’re cold, let them inside

i just know this belongs to a man

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

“Please Claudette, let me come home. I promise I’ll try to be more supportive.”

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes...eechingly WORST

This gift basket of menopause truly is an eclectic assortment of bs

Imagine being finished with the laundry.

Me to my kids: Stop fighting!

Me watching a hockey game: Fiiiiggghhtttttt!!!

visual representation of me looking into a mixed bag of chocolates

Guy: [climbing into a car] thanks for taking me to the airport

Uber driver: [turns around, and is a clown] it’s cool I only have 12-15 other people to pick up along the way

what wine goes best with wine

[Restaurant]

Waitress: *automated recording voice*

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed.

We left “can’t park without lines” season and went straight into “can’t park within the lines” season

I sure listen to a lot of bad bitch anthems for someone who apologizes for bumping into furniture and cries at commercials.

Happy Earth Day. You don't look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Earth day is just a made up holiday to sell more planets.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Oh look, it’s my coping mechanisms