The new dean is a Milton scholar. I hope this informs you about our organization and culture. (Someone explain it to the engineers)

The new VP is from New Orleans. After the announced program cuts, he’ll lead a second-line to HR.

There are two types of professors. Those who protest and those who enjoy watching their colleagues getting arrested.

“ . . . meaningful, lasting and impactful committee product.”

Administrative experience is far more important than in substantive expertise in the field! English professors who have been deans can manage the engineers!

Please refrain from calling the Tuesday/ Wednesday / Thursday schedule people ‘twats.’

Why did I become an associate dean? All my friends were becoming associate deans, so I thought I would too!

We got out in front on these compliance issues, even before we even had to. You suffered for it, but now other universities are looking to our college as a leader on compliance!

Yes, we can track when you’re on campus. And we do! We just don’t access those data until we need to.

The tents on our campus are for our adjuncts, not protestors. This ain’t the Ivy League.

Your teaching evaluations aren’t great, you aren’t publishing much, and you have no external funding, have you considered going into administration?

Finals are so stressful! Everyone needs approvals and signatures under tight deadlines! That’s why I always take vacation during finals, it reduces my stress so much!

Sometimes institutional memory is useful. Especially if it comes from the last century.

Please forgive the typos, I am responding on my phone from my beach house.

No, your department’s job candidates aren’t seasoned and experienced, they were fired from jobs at even lower ranked institutions.

I understand rent seeking behavior and appreciate your efforts to secure rents for yourself, but there are no rents for you in this college. Not now, not ever.

We measure the effectiveness of our communication by the number of emails we send. #winning

The problem is neither the product, nor the organizational culture, nor the organizational leadership.

When recruiting new students, please refrain from telling our applicants to go to their first choice. You aren’t helping.

Run like a business they said! So we jacked up tuition, added a bunch of hidden fees, and made jobs at the college more conditional, temporary, and less secure.

Apparently they don’t want us to run like a business. Not a successful one anyway.