Agenda for Annual C&D Retreat
1. Introduction of new Dean
2. Planning for next Annual C&D retreat, this coming August (the new Dean will explain)

All of the advisors were replaced by ChatGPT.

Yes, we are scheduling a day long meeting after finals have ended and grades are turned in.

Yes, there are parts of your job you are very good at, just not the parts that actually matter when it comes to faculty evaluation.

Yes, we read your proposal for weighted voting in faculty meetings and appreciate the value you place on your vote relative to your colleagues.

What did you mean that your “people are suffering from an over-abundance of situational over-awareness”?

On some level, I greatly appreciate that you have a list of lists! You’ll make a great ass dean someday!

We would love to approve your course in ‘beatboxing,’ but need some outcomes and metrics on the syllabus.

We don’t have any bad students, we only have ineffective teachers!

Sure you can buy boxes to move faculty who change offices. Just get three approved-vendor bids. And they come out of next year’s budget — we locked down this FY. Maybe just get some wine boxes from the liquor store?

Stop worrying about the outcomes! It is the procedures that matter!

Remember when you said you didn’t want to be department chair? How’d that work out for you? 😂😂😂😂

We apologize for the low rate of return on your teacher retirement account. We are trying to avoid investing in anything that has been, is currently, or might be controversial. So low yield bonds it is!

You weren’t wrong when you said we are diploma mill, I just don’t know why you won’t embrace it.

I love seeing the kid you thought you flunked dancing across the stage, high fiving the dean, diploma in hand, the sound of bull horns and whistles echoing.

I would never interfere with your teaching, I would change your grades after you are done teaching. Happy Graduation!

I know you keep saying you could make more in private industry but every time I turn around, you are still here. Is it because they’d make you show up to work and do your job in the private sector?

The Vice-Chancellor for Thriving encourages you to do as many quality of life training workshops this summer as possible. You should have time since you’re off payroll until August 21.