The college does not have low standards. The college has flexible standards. When necessary, we can have very high standards.

We know you are trying to bring history to life in your classroom, but please stop with the reenactments.

Remember what our last provost said — the only problem with tainted money is, there ‘taint enough of it!

Landscaping has completed the final degendering project on our campus by eliminating the Ladies’ Tees on the golf course.

Just because someone is convicted doesn’t mean we have to give their donations back. Lots of our donors have felonies for falsifying business records. And those that don’t, just haven’t been caught.

Of course we understand you want to advance your career in an environment of diversity. I’m going to suggest you look for jobs in racist states with misogynistic legislatures.

Just a reminder, our lunch and learn summer series does not provide lunch. The first lesson - there is no free lunch!

Don’t worry, the college standards for post-tenure review will be every bit as clear as the standards for tenure.

You’re right. Your stand against post tenure review resonated across the campus like when the “Indians tossed the tea into Pearl Harbor.”

We know the college is closing for good next week (and I start my new gig on June 1!) but cheer for our baseball team — they made the College World Series!

Agenda for Annual C&D Retreat
1. Introduction of new Dean
2. Planning for next Annual C&D retreat, this coming August (the new Dean will explain)

All of the advisors were replaced by ChatGPT.

Yes, we are scheduling a day long meeting after finals have ended and grades are turned in.

Yes, there are parts of your job you are very good at, just not the parts that actually matter when it comes to faculty evaluation.

Yes, we read your proposal for weighted voting in faculty meetings and appreciate the value you place on your vote relative to your colleagues.

What did you mean that your “people are suffering from an over-abundance of situational over-awareness”?

On some level, I greatly appreciate that you have a list of lists! You’ll make a great ass dean someday!

We would love to approve your course in ‘beatboxing,’ but need some outcomes and metrics on the syllabus.