I’ve been healing from my concussion and not being allowed to even attempt this dance move is taking me to rock bottom

Being called beautiful just hits different

The most unhinged coffee mug

Ew am I going to be boring now that I’m not an insane mess for this week?

ATTN: BROOKLYN & NYC

This Saturday 5/4, Come out to Littlefield and help Claire Penis and I launch Season 2 of Movie Mindset with a screening/mini-podcast of Death Wish 3!

Tickets here: littlefieldnyc.com/event/?wfea_eb…

My therapist was trying to get me to talk about stuff today but I had nothing to say bc my life is perfect

When you tell the wrong server you still have a sip left of your drink

A woman goes into the woods. She encounters a man and a bear. The man is actually cake. The bear has two wolves inside it. The wolves want to know if you would love them if they were a worm

Not to brag, but every time I’ve walked into a room today someone has said “Speak of the devil…”

Samuel B. Parker These cops must know they are wasting their one life

You’re in his dms I’m in his foreskin

gotta do the nyt word games in their birth order otherwise there's jealousy

I didn’t get a good sleep last night so I’m dressed all crazy to drop my kids off at school and my first thought was “I look like jojo siwa”

No comment.

Love that this is my thing now

English people: Would you say “wank me off” or “give me a wank”

Finally got to my P.O. Box and got the prettiest birthday gifties from Duchess Sexpert and noah thank you beautiful Angel babies

They're doing this to me at work tomorrow