when people crawl out of the woodwork i’m like ew! get back in there!

it’s halloween

so fucked up to have to work on halloween… on the monsters day? on the day of goblins and ghouls and zombies with no conscience?

googling “good hangover food” and getting absolutely irate when they tell me to eat a vegetable

chugging caffeine then immediately falling asleep . i call it turbo nap and it makes me more powerful than u could possibly imagine

so sad to see 2 men fighting… they should be digging a hole at the beach together

you should be able to carry your friends around by the scruff of their neck with your teeth when they’re being too silly

i will not allow a brand to engage with me on here… we are not friends. i am your worst nightmare

NOT all bridge trolls want you to pay a toll… some want you to solve a riddle, and some just want to gobble you up. and all are valid ❤️

every week game of thrones 2 is like did you know sir sneakus the nasty has a foot fetish

aging is so scary… someday someone is going to call u a “fine wine” … or they won’t and that will really hurt

they called me to lick the soup off the van gogh it was pretty good

they’re not allowed to touch u at a haunted house but they want to sooo bad it’s all they’re thinking about

“i found your twitter” oh nooo that’s so embarassinggg all my gorgeous thoughts

i need an hour after a shower to just sort of walk around in my towel

when a guy in a thing is sharpening his blade i’m like ooh what’s his deal

HANGOVER???? I HARDLY KNOW HER!!!! we are all going to die one day

if hot showers aren’t good for u then why do i emerge from them bright red like a beautiful ruby

legally there is nothing stopping you from giving every pumpkin at the grocery store a few good smacky-smacks but here i am getting run out of ralph’s like some sort of criminal