my dad just told me “if you can get away with not eating for two days, that’ll put some real money in your pocket”

jury: on the charge of telling everyone to suck his balls we find the defendant not guilty

me: hell yes [turning to everyone] suck my balls

my lawyer: dude

what the fuck does this mean

[monk breaks his silence of 84 years to speak to me] will you shut the fuck up

ratatouille is unrealistic if i met a rat that could cook i would exploit him for millions and millions of dollars

me: [seeing a baby] oh my god he’s so cute what’s his name

mother: Archibald

me: [my entire demeanor changes, i’m suddenly very pissed off] he needs to get a job

if i was alive when jesus was around he wouldn’t have died a virgin i can tell you that much

oh you “liked” my post? send me 100 dollars

my halloween costume is going to be guy drinking beer… guy drinking several beers actually

[getting lost in the grocery store] i swear i’ve seen these beans already

I wrote for Zack and Cody for about 3 months back in 2006 heres some of my scripts that never made it to air

wtff… my dentist just took some of my teeth because he’s “allowed to”

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

everything in the sky is an unidentified flying object to me. i don’t know what the hell is going on up there