[walking up to the hardware store employee] look man, and don’t bullshit me. how hard is this ware

god it must suck to be french. coming home from eating snails all day and finding out your wife is smoking cigarettes with another man

hey look at your keyboard. why are there so many letters on it, what the fuckkk. pretty sure there’s only 12 in the alphabet. what is all of this shit

[to the guy using the bathroom stall] you doing anything after this

stopped using social media and my life has gotten so much better. instead of twitter and instagram i go downtown and do a bunch of crack and yell at people

if anyone is wondering what they should do around 5-7 pm you should check out dinner

fuck my life. just found out my ai girlfriend just cheated on me with microsoft word

got fired as an air marshal because i kept showing everyone my gun immediately upon boarding the flight

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

started posting shit like “working hard is so fun” on my linkedin and my boss keeps asking me to hang out

[staring through the crack in the bathroom stall] hey whats up man do you want to hang out with me later [trying to open the door] do you vape

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

[coach pulling me aside at basketball tryouts] look im sorry but you’re just not round enough to be a basketball

[standing in line] you here for the cashier

[centipede walks in]

shoe salesman: oh fuck yes

(trying to leave the apartment in a point and click game)
I can't go out now. My opps are waiting.
I can't leave while those busters are waiting outside for me.
My opps are right outside... better stay in for now.

getting into a brutal wreck on the highway at 70 mph that kills me instantly and when the cops check my phone this is the first thing they see

these 3 tweets from yab have lived in my brain since 2018. idk which one is my favorite