Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Fuck you I won’t do as you tell me 🎶 I sing as I put my meds in my pill sorter

Sloopy, you can let go now.

What idiot called it the sandwich shop on an oil rig and not the petroleum deli

She was rare, like a woman without an Onlyfans

I think if you like the belt someone is wearing, you should be able to just wrestle them for it

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I'm so funnnyyyyy *waits for anyone to laugh*

farting in your cubicle every time you go on break

On today’s show, Popeye screws Olive Oyl

Goals

Called a bad driver in traffic a “pantalooned fuckwit” so don’t get on my bad side or else

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Every time I look up at my attic window and don’t see a ghost, I’m a little disappointed.

Shout out to the little u at the end of impromptu, very unexpected, no notes

Are those come fuck me eyes you staring at me with? Or you just crazy

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

saying 'okay, now a silly one' after sex

Living in Ohio is a lot like how OSU plays; a couple weeks are cool but the rest of the year fucking sucks