Where to start?

Sorry, you were saying?

Now Boris has backed out, how about making a big call to Network Rail and the train operators?

Charles abandoned his army once defeat was inevitable. He escaped overseas. The men who had fought for him were executed, deported as indentured labourers or worked to the bone digging ditches.

Imagine flying back from a holiday in the Caribbean just to find out you’re not as popular as you thought you were. Bless.

Oh it'll be abroad.

Abroad, on holiday, mostly.

Anyone else sick of seeing Tories talk about themselves on the telly?

The funny thing is, over the next few weeks, the Tories are going to try to convince us all that they are a united party and pretend none this Johnson stuff ever happened.

Bless.

That Johnson comeback in full: flew back from a luxury holiday, posed like a twat, begged his rivals, lied about his support, let down his allies and fell on his arse.

I would like to pay tribute to Johnson for providing the nation with a list of Tory MPs who believed he hadn’t done enough damage last time (in some cases despite telling him to step down only a few months ago). We will remember.

Those FIVE Zahawi u-turns in full:

Serving Boris
“He’s got to go”
Chancellor, yes please
Letter: Actually you should resign
I’m backing Boris
We must support Rishi

Still, the main thing we continue to learn from all these developments is that the people in the party which runs our country have terrific judgement, absolutely the right priorities and are 100% focused on the public good and not any self indulgent melodrama. Which is a relief.

Nadine Dorries