Friday I arrived home from work around midnight. As I walk in, my 11 year old is sitting in the floor, holding my chihuahua.

He slowly strokes her as he looks up at me and says, “I’ve been expecting you.”

I’m raising a super villain.

I’ve started getting emails about picking out the perfect NYE outfit.

Repeatedly disappointed when it’s not sweats.

If y’all need sticks for your snowman, I still have half a tree in a pile in my front yard.

Help yourself 😅

Me: “Hey Siri, when is my husband’s birthday?”

Siri on full blast: “Which husband?”

My Kids:

Fargo Season 4 came to a close, I just caught up tonight and bravo! That season 2 tie in.

I have a list of other things I ‘need to watch’

But I really just want to start Fargo over 🤷🏻‍♀️

Man, some people are about to have some awkward thanksgivings 😂

I’m just waiting for the election to end so I can congratulate you all on voting in a privileged rich white man.

When the recipe says to ‘add wine’

Am I doing this right?

It’s frustrating being lactose intolerant, I try to find vegan meals because I can guarantee they’re dairy free.

But then they’re full of mushrooms...

... which I’m also allergic to. 😒

I did this and now I’m going to bed until the screaming starts.

My dog: HI! HI! HI! HI!

Me: ... Did you poop in the house!?

My dog:

Nothing like coming home at midnight to find the pepper plants your husband migrated inside for winter are having an aphid outbreak.

Google says this specific kind can grow wings too.

Oh joy.

I can’t stop watching this.