Why am I just seeing this? 🤣🤣🤣

i love how when there’s a woman in power like kamala men immediately assume she’s only there bc of all the blow jobs she’s given but let me tell you i’ve given a good number of blow jobs in my life and i have absolutely zero power so you can throw that theory right out the window

I can't tell if I'm laughing with you or at you (derogatory)

A VW just drove past and the VW symbol lit up the same as the headlights, so it legit looks like three headlights? The Wallflowers are screaming crying throwing up right now

me: nobody talks about Paul Bunyon anymore coworker: nobody needs to me: why can't you care about me? coworker: I do care about you, I don't care about your stuff

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

I am at the Atlanta airport and I'd truly rather be in a hydraulic press

just a couple of jackasses

I have an import but controversial opinion. Bone-in wings are bad bc hitting the bone with my teeth is the same sensation as nails on a chalkboard: bad. Okay see ya.

Twitter has turned into a rage bait farm and the funniest shit I've watched people argue over recently was unpasteurized milk. People calling other people's mom a hoe over some steaming hot cow juice.

currently daydreaming about writing my best friends ex-husband the most clever but devastating shit he'd ever read with his own head. dead beat sack of shit no talent ass clown doesn't even begin to cover it.

Had an epiphany today that every ✌🏼bold print✌🏼 I've ever hyperfixated on was just some shit on a baby's tummy time mat

Like crumbl cookie exists but I can't get a hot buttered croissant on my porch at 8:14 p.m.?

men love it when you yell get it girrrrrl after they rev their engine