The back to school displays are hurting my feelings.

An adult is a person that hides from other adults they know at the grocery store.

if i ever made you a grilled cheese, i really loved you.

*gets dopamine hit from clicking “unsubscribe”*

I’m gonna need you to describe your sandwich very slowly.

I’m on vacation. Obviously, I’ve just reorganized the bathroom.

me: [jumping on the trampoline]

9: hey dad can you land on your back and stand back up?!

me: yea! I used to do that all the time! Here we go!

Narrator: he in fact could not. He felt as though all his organs hit his spine and every breath he had was knocked out upon impact.

I’m armed with $90 in Kohl’s cash. We ride at dawn.

hello sharks, i’m here today asking you to give me a little treat and some validation

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

Shout out to people who do stuff. That's hard work and I'm proud of you.

How dare someone steal my official parking spot that no one knew was mine except me

Just refilled my purse ibuprofen with my bathroom ibuprofen.

Sup.

Going into Costco on an empty stomach. Pray for me.

Running in your 40’s: You deserve a little treat.

True love is changing the way you fold towels for them.

I hate it when I fall in love and then find out he's just a pile of nachos.

I’m sorry but Dave Grohl can do no wrong.

instead of donating my body to science, I wonder if I can donate it to a hydraulic press YouTube channel