Dropped my kid off at camp. She passed her swim test. Wasn't enough. What I really wanted was to see some prick kid fail their swim test before I went home.

I'm hosting the 9:30pm main room show TONITE Hollywood Improv Tues 7/30 I'll be passing out bespoke jello shots to the 9 bacherlorette parties! improv.com/hollywood/even…

Last LA show before🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Edinburgh Festival Fringe !! See you kittens tonite at Kookaburra Lounge 7:30pm Aug 1! Half off tix: FE50 (not cause I'm 50!!) thekookaburralounge.com/events/gasligh… and superstar Kira Soltanovich is doing a drive-by!

New York is better than LA because brunette women are treated with more respect

Tim Walz is the type of guy to say (after me interrupting him) No, no you go ahead, I interrupted you... #HarrisWalz2024

Artist? Criminal? 50 years ago, Philippe Petit walked on a high wire between the twin towers of NYC. Philippe, je t’aime et félicitations! New Yorkers, come to Philippe’s show tonight and tomorrow at the most beautiful church in the city — stjohndivine.org/towering-2

day #1 Edinburgh Festival Fringe watching couples scissor on outdoor cushions while I enjoy Lebanese chicken in a box

u can vote for my poster in the comedy Comedy Poster Awards comedy.co.uk/posters/view/1… 📸: Andrew Max Levy designed by William Andrews💫 #EdFringe24

Pulling a chain for invisible water act-out🚿 📸Anthony Acero #flashdance

The hotel I'm staying in chose my flyer to feature at the front desk and I've never felt so embraced by these adorable Scottish lassies Edinburgh Festival Fringe

My show Gaslighting is My Love Language returns to Edinburgh Festival Fringe Aug 17-25 at 9pm Boa ✅ Lap Dance ✅ Vulnerability (but no crying) ✅ #EdFringe24 tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/gasli…

Outside my venue Coco Boho Edinburgh Festival Fringe🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 6 more shows!! Aug 20-25 and I figured out my ending after 2 years! tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/gasli… ❤️‍🔥

i love second hand bookstores that are laid out in a way that's actively hostile

Last show of Fringe tonight. I threw my boa into the crowd just like Courtney Love at Chestnut Cabaret in Philly in 1994 #EdFringe24 Edinburgh Festival Fringe

SATURDAY NIGHT! fielding edlow Comedian Sally Mullins Cat Alvarado David Conolly Hannah Davis, Joe Rodriguez and 🪷Bobbie Oliver AmazonPrimeGreatestHits! Hosted by Chris Oliver!!! In-person tickets, or watch live on Zoom from ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD: eventbrite.com/e/you-had-to-b…

I had a dream I dedicated a book of poetry to "all the brunettes in the world."

SATURDAY NIGHT! fielding edlow Comedian Sally Mullins David Conolly Cat Alvarado Hannah Davis, Joe Rodriguez and 🪷Bobbie Oliver AmazonPrimeGreatestHits! Hosted by Chris Oliver!!! In-person tickets, or watch live on Zoom from ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD: eventbrite.com/e/you-had-to-b…

I will be debuting homespun Scotland sweaters 🍂🎤

In hindsight, this Rocky III shit is hilarious, Apollo Creed is clearly at 3/4 speed trying to let this man win and Rocky literally fighting for his life.

I’m sorry but the richest man on the planet casually telling a woman he’s not dating that he’s going to put a baby in her is so skin crawlingly creepy I don’t know where to start