Sex is great. But have you ever developed deep feelings for someone you’ll never realistically be with?

90% of the political infighting can be traced to the people who have not enjoyed political power in the past now having it and finding it is not as much fun as they thought it would be.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

I forgot the word nectarine and called it a hairless peach.

May your life have more moments that feel the way it does when the clock gets closer to 5 on a Friday afternoon.

If you ever hear me say “What could possibly go wrong”, there’s a good chance something is about to go very wrong

The woman entered the store , an employee appeared out of the blue asking questions, and she just stared at him and run away cause she forgot what she was in there for. It's me, it was me

Dumb and Dumber wasn’t meant to be a societal goal.

The minutes left on a washing machine are in dog years.

my idea of healthy eating is just having the same garbage I always eat but in slightly smaller quantities, if you even care

Sorry for all the earnestness. I'm bubbling over with the stuff.

The Smurfs taught us how one adorable word could build an adorable franchise. That word? Sussudio.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hanging out w Mom, it’s: cross your foot over your knee to put your socks on.

You know it’s hot when an owl decides to take a dip in your pool.

Omg maybe the phrase ain’t no rest for the wicked & insomnia are somehow related

So very thankful for every single person that has taken the time to interact with me. Now shoot me to Mars, Elon.

None of us have our shit together, don’t worry about it.

Someone told me I needed to add a little excitement to my life, so I bought a new flavoured cream for my coffee, let me tell you, I’m turning this muthafuckin party out

Boss on phone: you're late again Me: sorry but there's a crazy guy here with his dick out Boss: you can't keep using that excuse

Returning to Twitter (sorry - X) after a three-year hiatus and seeing the changed landscape is like coming back after a weird tribulation that only affected people who didn't make butthole jokes.