Her: The itsy-bitsy spider…. Spider-Man: I WAS IN THE POOL!

I met someone I really liked, which was weird then I bit them and they were cake... which made much more sense

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don't hit each other. We use our words.  Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

The key to attending a party is planning the escape route.

Watching bowling on TV is incredibly boring, but then my husband was like, “Let me explain bowling while we watch” and OMG HE MADE IT WORSE!

My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.

65% of the Tupperware currently in your house was originally in someone else's house.

honestly it’s disrespectful to the horses if you don’t say “horse” when you see one on a road trip

The sluttiest thing a man can do is help you in the garden

Singing the wrong lyrics with confidence is self-care.

I love the Oxford comma, but I try to keep it between me, myself, and I.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s like high school except everyone’s 45.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Batman is my favorite story about a rich man-child who would rather dress up as a man-bat than go to therapy.

*checking the fridge twice in 5 minutes* wow, i really thought the food would be different the second time

If you’re looking for a good news story my 7 year old said the dinner I made tonight was “a little bit good”

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

My ads on here swing wildly between sensible shoes and vibrators.

I see people going out after 5PM and I'm already 18 yawns in.