[visits psychic] *knocks on door* Psychic: "who is it?" Me: "well this is a bad start"

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

All systems no

I came into some money today (found a quarter in a clean pair of jeans)

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Tomorrow is a new day and will also be horrible.

I think if you like the belt someone is wearing, you should be able to just wrestle them for it

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Locking myself in a room until I can learn how to shuffle a ham sandwich like a deck of cards.

Woke up ensnared in a trap of my own configuration again

I can’t fully explain this, but Owen Wilson has mom hair.

My job is very stressful right now, but at least everything else in my life also gives me anxiety.

Oh, the king can move in any direction? Let’s see him walk backward. Now diagonally. Cha-cha real smooth.

when they match my freak

Worst part of being a Virgo is knowing your parents were getting it on around the holidays

You can't scare me you're not the sound of latex gloves being snapped.

Your honor, nuh-uh.

I feel so full of life and vodka!

Although 50 and currently at war with heartburn, I still feel I have one more mosh pit in me…