My food blog: “This recipe will feed 8 people… Zero if none of them like it”

I accidentally sent a nude pic to everyone in my address book. It was very embarrassing... ... and cost me a fortune in stamps.

I just consulted with 1980s James Spader and he thinks you’re a bitch.

I’m going to work today because I am tough and stupid

I am NEVER too busy to say “Hi” to a dog

Not a band to be outdone, Spinal Tap is demanding that the Trump campaign refrain from playing “Sex Farm” at their rallies.

Can I cook? Not really. But can I arrange a bunch of ingredients on a slab of wood and serve it with crackers? You’re goddamn right I can.

Posted a tweet on Facebook by mistake and now my aunt Faye is in therapy.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

45 is weird because am I far too old for Velcro shoes or am I far too young for Velcro shoes?

I think if you like the belt someone is wearing, you should be able to just wrestle them for it

The Ape Man is my father's name. Call me Tarzan.

Pajamas, amirite?

Just over here still living my brat girl summer.

The HOA is not happy with my front yard.

Now that social media knows we’re looking for the right pair of kittens, targeted ads are insane. I already feel behind saving for their college funds.

Oh, the king can move in any direction? Let’s see him walk backward. Now diagonally. Cha-cha real smooth.

I just watched a bug fly into a wall then laughed at it and called it a dumbass. I’m 40 years old.

Was walking through the park and there was this Italian guy singing, “Eh Cumpari, ci vo sunari,” so I yelled “It’s September 7. Knock it off!”

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck