Me: seriously, you shouldn't file that

Them:

Who named it 'curved hurricane storm path' instead of NOAA's Arc

is there any feeling as satisfying as finally killing your pack of timesheets and picking up a big, fresh new time tablet? mmmmmmmm

Luke Bradley This Court doubts that “the Galactic Senate . . . intended to delegate . . . decision[s] of such economic and political significance,” i.e., the size and form of thermal exhaust ports, to any administrative agency.

the ironic thing is, if the Emperor had just let OSHA onto the Death Star one time, they would have made him close up that big reactor chasm and the whole Vader incident never would have happened

the 👏regulatory👏 state 👏is 👏ultimately 👏there👏 to👏 help 👏you

throwback to this all-time awkward family breakfast moment:

Anne: 'what happened to Pocahontas's mommy and daddy?'
Me: *looking up from coffee* 'uh, like, statistically?'

screaming 'AND YOUR DOLLAR AINT SHIT AND IT'S TAXED TO NO END' when i see there's no free shipping

Big tweet for Adam Sandler coming up here, if he has the courage to do it

i am so sad that this extremely competent and tastefully thirsty senator was not president

this has not changed significantly since this transcript was originally taken down

when you're a lawyer and your kindergartener is freaking out because she can't find the tooth she lost last night and won't get paid by the tooth fairy

“Biden didn’t do this to us… the Republicans did it too.”

OOP Nikki Haley has entered the chat. #GOPDebate

there are many downsides to the internet, but one upside is that the best country musician since chris stapleton is just some random dude in the woods uploading bangers on youtube

youtube.com/watch?v=xB9n0X…

I stand by my assessment that 'Thick Julienne' sounds less like a cooking technique and more like a suggestive 80s power ballad

when people say they'll go to the chinese buffet with me but then say they actually probably don't have time today

but without a 27th spider-man movie how will we explore previously unexplored themes, like (1) he is a person but also a spider

WHO IS WATCHING ME AND WHY ARE THEY WATCHING

Do I know any Florida lawyers who enjoy getting in the middle of pretty nasty defamation/harassment suits? Might conceivably be some decent money on an IIED claim, but the whole thing sounds like a real fight.

alright the first atlanta rapper to drop a mixtape called GIANT MURDER WAVE gets a cookie

a game show where i win one hundred million dollars as long as i spell 'parameters' right on the first try

spoiler alert i do not win