My prediction, Mordaunt cashes in her chips and takes Foreign or Home Secretary. Sunak PM by tomorrow afternoon.

It must infuriate Tory MPs that parliamentary stationery is cream-coloured. It means you can’t use tippex.

“102 nominations”

Has anyone checked on Nadine?

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to drop out of the super worldwide international biggest dong competition. Even though I have definitely definitely got the biggest dong. Definitely.

Wow. It’s almost as though Boris got nowhere near 100 nominations, and is still full of shit.

“And so I can no longer, in good conscience, serve under this Prime Minister.

For a couple of months.”

So, if Boris gets in are the Daily Star gonna get a new lettuce? Or are they going to let the original lettuce go for the double?

Definitely running out of guests, if you’re interviewing a poorly-maintained Rod Stewart waxwork.

..And as the Horn of Shitness is sounded, somewhere in the Carribbean, a scruffy twat emerges, blinking into the daylight, from his fridge. ‘It is time’ he says, as he tries to remember how to put his trousers on.

#BringBackBoris is a bit like your house being on fire and instead of ringing the fire brigade you call the arsonist.

So, bit of technical political analysis, but I’ve run the numbers and Tory Prime Ministers now last the same amount of time as a yoghurt.

Hardest working fella in politics. At this point they might as well just leave the thing out there.

When your kid is in another room and hears you open a snack.

#ToriesOut

Imagine being manhandled by Jacob Rees Mogg?? I’ve never been in a fight in my life and have the physical strength of a child, and I would destroy Mogg.

I would also like to apologise for calling Steve Baker a cunt. Lots.

But I won’t.

I keep rewatching the footage of Hunt and Mordaunt speaking with Liz Truss behind them, and it has got strong ‘trying to persuade a bouncer to let your mate in who is clearly absolutely battered’ vibes.