LOLz

'Later, on the dance floor, all your family will loom, watching as you’re thrusting out of tune, because you’re still on Dune, hanging with Paul Atreides in the afternoon.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/why-y…

'You repeatedly take your vehicle in for tune-ups, oil changes, and tire rotations, which begs the question: What in God’s name is wrong with your car?'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/were-…

'This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR].'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/unive…

'Why wouldn’t I be laughing alone with this bowl of salad? Human females have been laughing alone with salad since the dawn of time.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/insid…

'Saturday is Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday crammed into twenty-four hours. Your responsibilities include wiping butts, driving inexplicably angry people to soccer games and gymnastics events that happen at the same time in different places.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/days-…

'I don't know if you've ever seen a bad show-and-tell before, but the last thing you want to do is get stuck up there stammering about some random thing your parents gave you at the last minute.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-t…

'Did your chin hair grow back? Is Jennifer trying to get you to notice her highlights (because she’s definitely too old for balayage)? Doesn’t matter because we keep our restaurant nice and dim, like that boy you went to prom with back in '86.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/welco…

'Because the minor inconvenience in your life needs to die.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/final…

.Timothy McSweeney with some letter writing assistance

'This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR].'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/unive…

Writer Math LOVE THIS from Timothy McSweeney and Elissa Bassist. #writingcommunity mcsweeneys.net/articles/write…

“Points are three, then feel free. Point is one, flee and shun.” = Remembering which end of a fork to bite down on.
mcsweeneys.net/articles/pleas…

“This could only happen to me / Who has been through anything like this?”
mcsweeneys.net/articles/morri…

'Saturday is Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday crammed into twenty-four hours. Your responsibilities include wiping butts, driving inexplicably angry people to soccer games and gymnastics events that happen at the same time in different places.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/days-…

'To bring Erica and Laura to the same dimension—eating dinner with me at an Italian restaurant in the East Village, on the same night, at 7 p.m.—could be disastrous, shattering the friendship multiverse and generating awkwardness at unprecedented levels.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/getti…

'No one has ever gotten pregnant while listening to Rush. Clinical studies show that when combined with watching a male sexual partner play air bass along to the extended solo in 'Freewill,' the contraceptive efficacy of Rush approaches 100 percent.' mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-fa…

'If you died of dysentery between 1986 and 1993 while playing Oregon Trail, that information was likely shared with your cousins, neighbors, or other persons who were allowed access to the Apple IIe in your family’s basement.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/orego…

ICYMI: A new installment of Maggie Downs's 'Been There, Smelled That' about a professional ham sniffer in Spain and the important difference between saying 'jabón' and 'jamón' in Spanish.
mcsweeneys.net/articles/profe…

'This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR].'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/unive…