Chet Lionsmane: Angie is such a slut. I heard she keeps a list of every guy she fucks.
*Angie, overhearing, sheds a lone frustrated tear*
~years later~
Chet Lionsmane: Hey Angie, remember me? I hang a little drywall...
Angie: begone foul laborer, or I'll have you clasped in irons

Was it saturday college ball my heart lacked? Or do I yearn for something further?

If beer was invented today, the government would never let us have any. Beer has been around so long that it's been grandfathered in.

BREAKING: Bird worships Allah 🐦‍⬛🕋

You fuckin with this bird? Or is it too woke?

What's your favorite state in the Monkey Belt?

imagine someone sends you a screenshot and it shows they're on an Aldi phone plan

I was born in 91 so I got to be alive for the peak of toys. Toys were super popular in America from ~96 to 03. By the time I was a teenager, you almost never saw toys.

Seeing a lot of school starting before labor day. Wouldn't have happened in George Bush's America. We were still all about playing and goofing off.

Play is considered a monkey's business because he is of a lower beast nature. Most of a monkey's day is spent at play.

Science has confirmed what man long suspected: bees have poetry

I don't like community notes because it feels like a kapo sort of thing... don't do work for the moderators

The black widow or the lioness? Who is the baddest bitch of the beast world?

I appreciate the clearheaded practicality of the Latin motto.

I can’t believe my friend Derek Jeter is out for whole season--injured day he left Trump World Tower. Lucky bldg.-- Move back fast!

Derek Jeter broke ankle one day after he sold his apartment in Trump World Tower.

Derek Jeter had a great career until 3 days ago when he sold his apartment at Trump World Tower- I told him not to sell- karma?

World's Funnest Animals “You’ve changed,” the ignorant audience cried out.

“We’re supposed to,” replied the Bard Who Tripped A Few Too Many Times