I feel like I never get credit for the things I *don’t* hit with my car.

Is there anything that YOU HATE as much as Kendrick hates Drake? For me it’s raisins

Fire ant: [trapped in my leg hair] I am about to sting the fuck out of this weird forest

Your honor, I didn't think I'd be running for president when I did that

Freshly sharpened pencils give me a hard on.

You ever drive behind the same car for so long you start feeling like you’re friends?

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I'm currently sheltering in place. There's no crisis. I just fucking hate being around people.

They should let Yoda say the c-word in the next Star War

Penii is the plural form of penis, this is a known fact

skee ball is just cunty bowling

it should be a rule that you have to show your real face on twitter before you can be so bold as to post your shit ass opinion

Someone who doesn’t care about their birthday and someone who cares WAY TOO much about their birthday, meet and fall in love.

imagine letting your brain worm die lmao. fucking idiot. my brain worm makes the air taste like pennies

Sometimes when I'm feeling a little dangerous I turn off eco mode

When І was a kіd І used to pour a ton of sugar on shіtty cereaI to make іt better. My questіon іs where іs the sugar for adulthood

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

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