big fan of anything that shuts my brain off for a little while

do you want to share a ringworm infection with me

bro the druids will explain its all when we get to the ritual

going into a corn maze and calling 911 within 30 seconds

if israel can plant explosives in consumer electronics and justify it by saying they were only targeting "terrorists" then it would be a good idea to remember that israel said that student protestors in america are terrorists

I am so honored the devil wants me to advocate for him, I didn’t even go to lawyer school

Enjoy recalling this feeling

the ghost that used to haunt me left, said I was bumming him out

a bitch in need is a bitch indeed

Fuck you and the positive attitude you rode in on

Got fired from Pottery Barn for my hips not being childbearing enough

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Not now kitten, daddy is…well daddy is trying to become relevant again

im transforming into some weird blurry thing u can't quite make out

Two idiots locked in an endless “you can say that again” loop

[coming home to a mutant-shaped hole in my wall] *passive-aggressively texting my roommate groupchat* Can we all remember to lock the mutant's cage after feeding it

won’t be complete as a person until I have a pastel VW bug with custom flower rims

You don’t need a good reason to not want kids. I hate touching poop and am happy with my Spotify algorithm.