I don’t need any food for thought. My thoughts need to go on a diet.

Husband: Where should I park? Me: I don’t care. Just pick a spot. Also me: Why did you choose that spot?

Instead of showing people driving up mountains, Jeep commercials would be more realistic if they showed people putting rubber ducks on their dashboards.

Something neat about having a birthday in your 40s is getting an email from your gastro wishing you happy birthday and to schedule a colonoscopy.

self-checkouts: instead of simply judging the amount of items the person in front of you has you can also judge how slowly they’re ringing them up

I only hope J.D. Vance has imagined what can be, unburdened by what has been.

Just saved a ton of time and money on marathon training by deciding to never run a marathon ever.

First day of school traffic is basically The Purge in daylight.

Thinking about getting a job delivering Amazon packages just so I can say I drive a Mercedes.

Had half a milkshake tonight, and if you haven’t had one in a while, I have lived to tell you: milkshakes are a young person’s game.