Now that Trump's been convicted, he and the guy who threw the beer can at me have even more in common.

It's hard to feel comfortable in Miami because I've never had abs.

It's gotta be a bummer for that jury to officially be considered one of Trump's peers, though.

Well, as long as I'm back here:
Tomorrow (6/1) Des Moines, IA
6/28 & 29 Arlington, VA
7/19 & 20 Panama City, FL
linktr.ee/ariel_comedy

I just want to say how proud I am of my mom for not blowing up the group chat today.

Show me on the map of Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana where he touched you

I'm just worried that Biden's not sharp enough to be found guilty on all counts.

I don't really believe the Hanukah miracle that the oil lasted for eight days, because guys are always lying about how it lasted longer than it really did.

A dead giveaway that someone comes from generational wealth is if their favorite season is winter.

The winner of last night's GOP debate was anyone who didn't find out until this morning that there was another debate.

Can't wait until I start losing comedy club weekends to George Santos.

George Santos is so awful that he got Congress to agree on something.

Yesterday the world lost a good man. And also Henry Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, in case any of my writing and acting friends needed a reminder that awards mean nothing.

He repeatedly yelled, 'It's not a small world, it's just a cold world!'

Let's acknowledge the forgotten heroes of the day after Thanksgiving: America's toilets

At least one thing all American Jewish families can agree on is what we're fighting about this year on Thanksgiving.

Israel and Hamas are on the verge of reaching a five day pause in fighting. Many families getting ready for Thanksgiving will be taking notes.

Killers of the Flower Moon is breaking records by being the first movie adaptation that's longer than the book.

Scientists have discovered the oldest black hole yet. The major breakthrough came when I finally told them about your mom.