Never forget

The apprentice looks shit this year.

My sister just called and started telling me how many emails google sent to her about closing her account, but to an email she didn’t use. It was at this point I informed her that the standard of conversation was below an acceptable level, and ended the call.

DESCENDED FROM DOGES I AM. NOT “DOGS”. “DOGES”. They’re different.

Have just described a problem a friend and I are suffering as “navigating a river of shit and arriving at a prolapsed anus”.

I think this is my best analogy to date.

Am steel standing!

War films are so FIGHTY

This is the first time Eric has ever sat on my lap. I’m not sure if he’s aware it is my lap and I don’t even dare breathe in case he realises it’s me…

Why is someone having a midweek MASSIVE fireworks display???? Remember remember the 2nd November? Fuck off.

Turd in’t herle

Legs I want ‘Toasted Lettuce. Go To Prison’ on a t-shirt.

A short story.

I will never understand people who put lettuce in a wrap and then toast it. Toasted lettuce. Go to prison.

Remember remember the first of November, it’s the longest day in the fucking world, how is it only Tuesday.

1982, let the 4 year old lead the 2 year old into the sea.

Personally, I’d rather see Matt Hancock eat the testicles of a rat in the jungle, than sit in the House of Commons.

98% of my messages to other people are ignored. Approximately. Please don’t reply to this tweet or you’ll muck up my averages.

Happy Halloween 🎃