How dare you say I'm crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

MAGA-fascists are so fucking dumb. 😂😂🤣🤣

Your imperfections are part of your perfection

Gonna surprise him with some steak.

My wife bought me home gym equipment 3 years ago and complained that I never used it. Now that I use it, she still complains saying stuff like “Why do you take too long?”, “You’re doing this daily?” and “The bench is not meant for eating Kit Kats”.

I always try to remember to thank people for behaviors I’d like to see repeated, even if it’s a behavior that should be expected.

I have a little heating blanket called perimenopause

Lost in your eyes? No, lost in your butthole. Yes.

Something about the stars and dreams and shit. I just wanna finger bang ya under the blanket on the couch.

Healthcare solved. What if we made barbers part time doctors again?

Wanderlust to wander lost hand in hand with you

A lazy morning people watching, enjoying the refreshing breeze, and keeping an eye on the clouds as they sail by.

I now I’ll only go to matinee movies years old.

When your memories no longer serve their purpose, it is time to make new ones...

Getting that sip of beer first is a really important part of the process

12 out of 10 women claim to be good at maths

Let’s turn our Friday night into a Saturday morning.