Spiders should have to do hard time for breaking and entering.

I can’t prove it but poodles feel racist.

I make women stand for the pledge of allegiance before sex

The battle between me and people with anime furry pfp is tough but I will fight my best fight.

Anything he wanted. He would be my owner and walk me.

You’re going to celebrate your 5 year anniversary with your boyfriend just to make me jealous. Baby girl, embarrassing.

It’s the best feeling to tell a kid a joke everyone knows, but it’s the first time they’ve heard it, so they think you’re a comedic genius.

Yes I’m in your room. Yes I climbed through your open window. Yes I watched you sleep like a little sweet sweet baby angel. But YOU liked my story post. So what’s with calling the cops?

Baby girl this movie has a 93% on rotten tomatoes… keep your pants on.

I don’t think people understand… if I was only taller, faster, stronger, a better shooter, better defender, could jump higher, had a higher basketball IQ, I’d literally be in the NBA.

These estrogen humans are kinda cute…

This election should be decided by a game of water basketball

SPOILER ALERT: At the end of inside out 2… Gwyneth Paltrow‘s head was in the box.

I can’t wait to hold her at the Macys Day Parade.

Crazy how I have to go slow for cyclists because they chose an annoying hobby.

If lebron lost to Serbia he’d be called LeBronze the rest of his life.

Oh to be a wine drunk middle aged mother watching Facebook reels…

Bury me in the feeling of college football week 1.

I am unapologetically racist against mosquitoes.

Do you think when R. Kelly went for walks he marked his territory around the neighborhood?