read to me your favorite book, while the sound of constant rain outside, hits the glass. and we hide away in blanket forts

*cutting Cher open to inspect the rings* you can see here she survived a fire in 1978

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.

Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments

The wind turned my hairstyle into a tribute to Cousin It. I might as well audition for the role in the Addams Family reboot.

Pee my name in cursive into a dirty snowbank outside my favourite Tim Hortons
or gtfo

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms probably has the best office parties.

I love how the circular photos of my colon look like shiny, new agate marbles.

Haters will see you playing hot potato and say you’re against holding things.

When a lovely lady posts a picture of themselves, the polite thing to do is say something nice.

And that's it.

No DM.
No reply to her thank you reply.
No automatic sending her a picture of your private area in her DMs.

Just go about your day.

'The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.'

Best comment I have ever seen.

Let's play fill in the gap:

I would _____ you if I had a chance

eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Whenever I turn on dark mode, I feel like an emo teenager. What's next? I start writing and burning poetry while I listen to Counting Crows on repeat?

Ladies, if he isn’t wearing a ring, but he’s carrying a Tupperware lunch bag to office, he’s definitely married.

Sex bots sure are gettin’ fancy

Them: There’s too much sugar in everything; we all need to cut back.

Food show hosts: Now there’s so much acid in the stomach you need this handful of sugar to tone it down.